We live in a world where the word “advocacy” gets thrown around a heck of a lot. Me, I use it all the time. Lately, even more. For years, I’ve advocated for my older sister, who is severely disabled, and for my students, who are to varying degrees, also disabled. Since September, I’ve had to add myself to the list of people I have to advocate for. Being diagnosed with cancer opened up a whole new world of advocacy. In all these forms, I’ve seen some pretty bad examples of what an advocate is and isn’t. Recently, I had the misfortune of being in a meeting for as student in which an advocate made it a point to stand up and yell at me. I was hardly her first victim. Her behavior prompted this blog post.
A couple of days ago I was witness to another poor example of advocacy. Now, I know I’m not supposed to be listening to the medical business of others. But it’s kind of hard not to when the “patient advocate” is getting hot under the collar in the reception area of a world famous comprehensive cancer center. It was all over an appointment with an oncologist that the young lady at the desk was trying unsuccessfully to help him with. Evidently, the patient in question wasn’t on the doctor’s appointment list. Who’s to blame for that? The receptionist? Probably not. But the “patient advocate” started kicking and screaming. “This is Stage IV lung cancer, a life or death situation!” he proclaimed, while the patient and his wife stood by, neither of them looking ready to keel over and die. I’m not making a joke here; I have Stage IV lung cancer, I know it’s no joke. What is a joke is that this “patient advocate” was getting himself in a twist and heightening the moment to a downright lie. Unfortunately, my dealings with advocates have been much the same as this. Furthermore, the “patient advocate” didn’t say anything that the patient himself couldn’t have said. Let’s be real here. Self-advocacy, if possible, is a lot more impressive.
I understand better than anyone that self-advocacy isn’t always possible. My sister is non-verbal, so I have to be her voice. Have I gotten into some tangles on her behalf? Yes, I have. Have I yelled at people? No. Have I lied for her? No. Have I been realistic about getting her what she needs? Yes, I have. And these are the real points of advocacy. Making respectful requests, being honest and open, and most of all, being realistic about what you’re asking for. I have not met too many professional advocates who stick by these rules.
Let’s go back to the student meeting. The advocate showed up wearing a dress with a severely plunging neckline, and bedroom slippers. The mother of the student in question didn’t say a word, but exhibited all sorts of nonverbal responses. Eye rolls and deep sighs were really big. When anyone tried to ask her a question or get an opinion, the advocate in bedroom slippers would cut in and say, “Mom is too upset to talk.” She was so upset, in fact, that she had to play with her cell phone while the advocate raised her voice, tried to make others in the meeting feel stupid, and made unrealistic demands for a student that misses at least half of the school year with questionable medical concerns. This folks, is not advocacy. It’s lunacy. Don’t get caught in this trap.
Here’s reality: not everyone with a serious disease is going to live. Not everyone with a serious disease is going to die. Not everyone with a life-threatening disease is ready to expire at any moment. (Take my word, cancer can be pretty boring at times!) Not every child is going to college. Not every child needs to go to college. Not every person with disabilities is capable of fulfilling lofty goals. Not everyone is going to get what they want out of life just because someone with a big mouth is speaking for them. Being the right kind of advocate is not about having a big mouth and thinking you can yell and accuse people of things they aren’t doing. Thing about it: when was the last time you got what you wanted by getting bent out of shape?
With that thought in mind, if you decide to hire an advocate for any purpose, for yourself or a loved one, remember: make respectful requests, be honest and open about your hoped for outcomes, and most of all, be realistic about what you’re asking for. Otherwise, be prepared to be disappointed.
And please, please, please, look under the desk. If you see bedroom slippers, run.